ill-equipped

Throughout this whole adoption thing....I have felt.....how do you say it???......ill-equipped.....

so if you are interested, below is a listing (in order) of my ill-equippness.....(is that a even a word?) ....I digress, here is the list:

1.  i am ill equipped to adopt a child..........a child that needs good parents...I mean like Leave It to Beaver parents.....that's not me.  That's not us!  Not even close!

2.  Paperwork - seriously, I am beyond ill equipped to do all this paperwork.......I don't have the know-how.  I don't know how to make myself sound like I am equipped to do this............How do I let all these adoption 'authorities' know that I can do this?  Can I do this?

3.  Okay, this is getting serious.........we are in the middle of this whole adoption thing..........what the heck am I doing?....I mean, I got two kids who on occassion remind me that I don't do a lot of things right and that I yell way more than I should...........

5.  Holy CRAP!!!!!  we have a child.....a new one...........I get to see her face...........I get to 'meet' her......WHOA NELLY!!!!!  (not the rapper) I can't do this!!!!  What the heck?!?

6.  Okay.....we are going to Ethiopia.......yep, plane tickets bought.............ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!! Have you met me???  I am not third world material.....I am more Gucci on a budget material............................Okay.....seriously, I am ill-equipped!

7.  Yep, I'm here....I'm in Africa............I AM IN FREAKING AFRICA!!!!!!!  Do you know how far away from Kentucky that is????   7576.2 Miles!  For the love of Pete and everything holy.........I haven't even been to Florida!!! I'm not kidding!  Never. Been.To.Florida!!!!!

8.  Well, there she is..........a little girl....a precious lil' girl............when I think of what she may have been through, I can hardly breathe..........how do I do this?  how do I raise her and ensure that I don't mess her up?  How do I make sure that she gets everything she needs?  How do  I make sure that I respect her birth momma?........and love her and do everything in my  power to make sure she knows that we love her......that this is right, that this is what we are supposed to do.  I want her to know that from the very moment I saw her face I knew she was mine......without a doubt, she is mine?  How do  I do this?

9.  I have to leave her?????  What did you just tell me?!?......she can't go home with me?  I met this lil girl....I stood in court in a third world country and I don't get to take her with me!!!!!  Really?!? Okay....I'm a rule follower.....these are the rules.....I can do this....no, I can't.  I am so ill-equipped!!!!

10.  I get to go back!!!!  Oh my gosh, I get to go back!!!!!!  

11. It's time to go back home to Kentucky!!!!!   Oh my gosh, I get to go back!!!!!!  

12.  Picture it.....Ethiopian airport........Me, Eric and this kid......this lil' girl......running around like she may be on crack.....hating every Ethiopian woman that she sees (insert Eric and I smiling politely at every woman and trying really hard to make her kiss and hug them as we leave their country)  AWKWARD is an understatement.....What are we doing?  HOLY CRAP - WHAT ARE WE DOING!!!!!!

14.  We land in the US......Airport bathroom, hair washing............I'm not gonna touch that, but if you heard the story laugh now and realize.....wow!  Fran is WAY ill-equipped!

13.  So this is it.........this is our new normal........three kids - one of them who is learning English....and who talks A LOT!.........wowza..........I am ill-equipped!

Tonight, I sat and looked through pictures of our last trip to Ethiopia...........the one where we she came home with us............I see the difference,  I see the difference in my face.........fear to FEAR!!!!

Please do not mishear me......I am thankful for her.  I love her like she is my own....it's almost comical how since the time we came home I have never looked at her as anything but...........without hesitation, she is my girl. 

but there are moments when I realize just how ill-equipped I am..........I am raising a child that was born by another woman who loved her more than I can imagine.........so much she gave her up for adoption........as the file clearly states............'so she can have a better life than I can provide'.....

my stomach hurts..............

really............our family equals a better life?  If you have seen us in Wal-Mart - you are laughing hysterically right now......

sheesh.......I feel the pressure...............I am SO ill-equipped.........it is devastating!  

But you know what......she calls me momma just like the other two.....she smiles (occassionally) when I come into the room.......she says, 'I lub you' 

my heart melts.......I'm ill-equipped.....

Praise God!  He equips me when I realize without a shadow of a doubt I am the most ill-equipped person for the job!  I am gonna let them down.......I know it, they know it and let's face it, you know it.  I want to be the person that says, 'I got this.'  'I am gonna handle it like nobody's business.'  but let's face it - we all know that I am a big ol' hot mess!!!!  I'm gonna screw it up....every.single.time.

God has purposed us....God has called us - each in individual ways...........some of us are adopting.....some of my friends are in the process......some of us are supporting those that are.....some of us are learning what it all means.....

I want to tell you I am a spiritual giant and say, 'I had faith and trust the whole way.'   

that would be a lie......I questioned..........I was scared.............I still am some days.....................

but I invite you to walk with me as I learn to trust and learn to be fearless for God is with me........

I am still ill-equipped - but how beautiful is that?  I don't have to have the right qualities or abilities....cause HE does!  and He leads me. How beautifully it highlights my inability......(thank goodness something does!)